Today is Day One

So I have decided to start a blog. This won’t be my first blog though. I started my first one back in July and wrote in it for 9 weeks before I had to stop. I didn’t want to stop, I wanted to write in it forever. I dreamed of all the things I would write in that blog and all the joy that it would share with others. But unfortunately life had other plans. That blog was the chronicle of my first pregnancy and sadly that pregnancy ended in miscarriage.

So now here I am, a month later, and I’m still having a hard time living with what happened. I’ve felt a lot of things: sadness, shock, anger, fear, guilt, hopelessness, emptiness, isolation… I have found myself asking why and not understanding the silence I receive in response. Not that any answer will take away the pain that I feel. I am finding it difficult to live in a reality that no longer involves my baby. I used to think that getting pregnant meant you got a baby. That carefree innocence is gone. But I still can’t stop thinking of what might have been.

So why start this blog? I feel like my mind is overwhelmed with thoughts and I need someplace to put them so they don’t keep me up at night. I need a safe place where I can put everything out there so it doesn’t cloud my days. I also need a place to remember my baby whom I loved and still love more than I thought it was possible to love anything or anyone. In the days following my miscarriage I found many such blogs on miscarriage and pregnancy loss. Some were heartbreaking, some made me cry, some were inspirational and others gave me hope. I cannot guarantee that this blog will always be happy and positive. There will probably be many a pessimistic entry. But it is my hope that as time passes, the balance might begin to shift toward a better place for me. Maybe others who are going through the same things can somehow find comfort here as I have from others. Its hard to imagine now, but this might be the beginning of my happy ending. And today is day one.