The Things We Do

During my first pregnancy I was completely obsessed with ensuring that I did the “right” things and avoiding things that were “bad”. Of course I ate right, took my PNV, drank plenty of water, and got plenty of rest. I avoided those “bad” things like lunch meat, soft cheeses, caffeine, diet soda, seafood, you know the list, and I obsessively overcooked everything I ate. I didn’t take any OTC medications whatsoever. Not even if I had a terrible headache or could not sleep. I also created a whole list of things in my mind that I should do/avoid doing just in case. I pretty much refused to use any cleaning products for fear that they would enter my body through my skin, be absorbed into my bloodstream, and harm my baby. I had just planted a beautiful garden in the front of my house but I refused to tend it as I was terrified that the rose fertilizer or hydrangea acidifier would hurt my baby. At work I treated all my patients as if they were on contact isolation even if they weren’t. I mean I practically ran for the glove box before I would shake anybody’s hand. Obsessive hand washing took on a whole new meaning. We were planning to do some painting in our house, but we put it off because I didn’t want to even be near fresh paint. The list could go on and on. But in the end, all of those things that I did and did not do made no difference. When it ended I did feel somewhat comforted by the sentiment that I had done all that I could have done and could not find anything to blame myself for. At the same time, we also have no idea why we lost our baby, so there is nothing that we can do differently next time, other than hope and pray that it doesn’t happen again. As far as anyone is concerned at this point, we were just very unlucky. I just hope that our bad luck has run dry…